Cibbwin's · Revenge

It's October and the weather's cleared up
I forget that mountains surround this town
But there they stand, silent and shrub-dusted
I find comfort in them, like a row of shields

I drive by the temple on my way home
I don't usually take this road
But got nothing better to do
No I got nothing better to do

Golden angel atop your perch
I can't imagine how you keep your shine

I remember hearing my friends
Boast of their conquests here
Crows fed on rooftop omelettes
From their generous tithe

I don't understand why
Of any of our group
The rebels of the outcasts
And outcasts of the rebels

Only I would have cause to decorate
With toilet paper and eggs
Yet the thought raises the goose pimples
All over me in guilt

Golden angel atop your perch
I can't wonder how you keep your shine
What with all these
Silly little secular fools

Did you witness the vandalism?
Did you understand what they did?
Maybe you're just a mould of mineral
Shaped by some zealot

Or maybe you're a guardian
You marked the souls
My friends who are my family
Narked them for retribution

Dear gold angel
Have mercy on us
We know not what we do

I wish I could climb atop the temple
And shine and clean you
Try to appease you

Golden angel atop your perch
I can imagine now how you keep clean

But I want nothing more than to
Throw you down
Melt you down
And create something new

Replace God's home
With a new acropolis
Another silent mountain
To house another form of God

She calls for it
Demands it
Begs for it
Begs me for it

But I can't

Goose pimples compel me otherwise
And I pray to clean away
The crowfeast

If you didn't have to eat, you wouldn't ever ache

I've never been comfortable around men
It's always been a blame game, but
I'm finally admitting it's my own fault

I'll put out to anything with a penis
It's time to stop seeing men as just another fling
I'm doing the same thing I accuse
Straight men of doing

Men are not by nature stupid
They are not insensitive
Some are even kind and loving

How hard this is to learn
When all my examples say otherwise
I've lost faith in half of the world

I'll put out to anything with a penis
It's time to stop seeing men as just another fling
I'm doing the same thing I accuse
Straight men of doing

The way I think
You'd think I'm always in the sack
With some new boy
Some freshly unwrapped toy

Well I don't get it much
So I don't know why when I think of men
That's all I think about

I'll put out to anything with a penis
It's time to stop seeing men as just another fling
I'm doing the same thing I accuse
Straight men of doing

And yes it's true
Men have suppressed women
Time and time again
But the way I act
Women should be the supressors

And that doesn't solve anything
Just brings about more injustice

I'll put out to anything with a penis
It's time to stop seeing men as just another fling
I'm doing the same thing I accuse
Straight men of doing

As of now (July 30, 1:30 AM), Kate Bush is Wikipedia's featured article!

Woohoo!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

So, I'm frustrated. As usual. BUT!

The main difference between this frustration and my general annoyance with the world around me is that this frustration has lingered with me for a long time; ever since I decided that I have an above-average talent for writing.

I'm at a standstill because I'm getting sleepy of writing about the same relationships. The same loved ones and the same people I see and think about every day. Honestly, there is only so much you can say about one group of people before you're repeating yourself. And I'm definitley repeating myself.

I'm trying to find sources of inspiration from outside myself. But hell, it's proving difficult.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to one of my idols, but Kate Bush wrote "Wuthering Heights" and "The Kick Inside" and "Hammer Horror" and "Oh England, My Lionheart" and others before she was 20! Where's my epic literary statement?!

I know that very, VERY few people write well about things they haven't personally experienced, and Bush is a genius and one of those rare people who were hatched fully formed, but damnit, I want my magnum opus!

I think I'm gonna avoid writing for a little while, if I can. Until I mature a bit more or find a new muse.

And I need to find some more active hobbies. As much as I love music and roleplay games, I need some movement. Maybe some dance or vocal lessons. Or even some sport.

I've been saying that I need to be more physical for ages now, but I'm getting to the point where I'll finally listen to my own advice.

And the best part? I know tomorrow I'll post some new rubbish and totally take back this statement.

Three cheers for fickleness!

where am i going with my life?
why can't i sleep at night?
i spend too much
i'm at a standstill
dissatisfied with pop culture and music
but you, your voice reminds me of what drew me to sound
to prose and language
to new boundaries and adventure and wanderlust
you remind me of peace and slumber and the joy of life
how thankful i am to have discovered you
you nourish my soul
calm my frazzled nerves
where others only scrape, you dive deep
take a scalpel and cut out the mould
teach me how to love and to sleep again
teach me how to feel joy
thank you for existing

my darling birch
when i meet you
shall i bow
or flee
or faint?

here it comes
grr

too lazy to lend a hand
too poor to generously give
too worried to succeed
too stupid to understand

lo-fi doesn't suit me
food is useless
only fuels the
rage

children wailing hysterically
shaking in my anger
call you up to say
i can't be anywhere near

fuck this all
i need to get away
break apart this body
explode it off me

i'm sick of all the emotion
give me something raw!
all the rage and anger
all there is to fear

rob children together
buy guns and booze

scream and rant with me
give my frustration a release
get me out of this house
and, pick up the phone!

why aren't you answering?!

phone call over, still in tatters
god damnit, why can't i breathe?
need an outlet
something to vent
get this energy out
into the world, Pandora
where you can flourish

really i love it
brings a clarity of mind i need
but damned if it doesn't consume
control and tangle

no time for jokes
just need a release
break out of a wrath

tonight's the night i did the unthinkable
tonight's the night i lost self-respect
the hypocrite reared his ugly face
and sold himself short

i should have never stopped for you.

you asked for money
but i gave you something harder-earned

your honey words washed over me
words that could've been honest
or lies
i'm not sure

you wormed your way past my wall
and made me confide things
i'd never dream of saying.

you kissed me
and lured me to a darkened place

tonight's the night my lust took over
tonight's the night i forgot my morals

i took you into my mouth
and i still can't realize what i've done
what have i risked?
what could i have caught from you?

i'll retreat to my home
and purge you
from mind
and stomach

tonight's the night the gods cry for my soul
tonight's the night i can't look my mother in the eye.

your scent still lingers on me
your lips still wet on mine
your taste in my throat

you made me realize how lonely i am
and how dishonest i've been with myself
but at what cost, this revelation?

dear rogue, i'll try my best
to forget this encounter

but as i delete your number from my phone
you will always haunt me
what you took from me
i'll never have back

for i gave it willingly
and i cannot ask for that gift again

I'm supposed to have an off-day tomorrow, but some cunt called out sick and I volunteered to come in.

Damn me and my need for money.

In other news, work actually kicks ass. Most everyone is real sweet, and I actually enjoy making people fattening, blood pressure seizuring drinks of d00m.

Mum is publishing a book. Needless to say I'm all kinds of jealous. It's about all her experience with home healthcare and caregivers in retirement homes - abuse is really rampant with that shit, and she's hoping to bring some awareness to that.
I'm so proud of her, but I always thought I'd be the first to publish a book. :)

I've recently seen "Marie Antionette" and "Saw III." Marie Antoinette is a fascinating study of what unthinkable riches can do to a person, and Saw III is only slightly interesting and only important to future serial killers. Although, it must be said that I was happy to see Bahar Soomekh again after her turn in "Crash."

I'm hoping to see the Borat movie on Sunday. If what I've read is to believed, Sascha Baron Cohen was a fucking amazing actor to stay in character even through the dangerous shit they tread through.

My new obsession is Kate Bush. She's fucking amazing.

Samantha Mumba actually had a new CD out on the 2nd! It looks like the CD is an apology for canceling her 2nd proper album back in 2002. This album, uniquely titled "The Collection," basically is "Gotta Tell You" with a few tracks from "Woman," the canceled album. Yay?

Amy Lee makes me gag. I recently read an interview with her in... uhh, some music mag, and she said "I have no idea what [Bjork's] Joga is about, but it sounds so cool!" Grr, that reminds me of this one Ashlee Simpson comment on "All is Full of Love." Something about it having a "cool vibe" and Bjork being "alien."

Ugh. I gotta stop reading.

But seriously. Life rocks. Mum & Dad got a housekeeper so I basically don't have to clean house like I used to, and work rocks, and I heart my car. I finally have internet access on my computer. Oh, and I got rid of about half my wardrobe of pre-homosexuality clothing. You know, clothes that dwarf me.
Only bad thing is billz. I dunno how I managed to run up a $160 celly bill, and I owe around $300 for my credit card.
And I hate Wells Fargo. Stupid cunts canceled my ATM card on me and today wouldn't let me cash a check, even though they let me yesterday, less than 12 hours before.

Ah well. I'm gonna go squeal to Mum again about how proud I am. *cheers*

I finally learned that I could never ever ever live with my best friends.

Jess has been house-sitting for a family for about a week now, and we've been hanging there for most of that week, spending the night and such.

Everyone's negative energies have really come to the surface, and I finally realized how disgusting some of the people I spend time with are.

Ugh, I hate people.

I think my hermetic tendencies are gonna surface and flourish for a few weeks now.

"the hounds of love are haunting me
i've always been the coward...

well here i go
hound me down
it's coming for me through the trees"

So I finally have a fucking job. One that will probably last more than six days.

I have an orientation meeting tomorrow at noon at Barnes & Noble!

I'm gonna be a barista at the cafe. w00t!

I already live at Barnes & Noble, now I can work there, too!

P.S.: Fuck you all. YES, I am listening to Paris Hilton. :(

I recently read a book (title unknown) about writing blogs.

It made me realize many things.

A.: I need an official blog - you know, the kind Arianna Huffington utilizes. [HAH!]

B.: Who the fuck knows how to write blogs, honestly?

I just read a blog that begins with the man (someone I do adore, it must be said) listing what he ate for the day. 'I ate this, then that, then a zest of that.'

I kid you not.

Then of course the ever annoying "I'm too tired to write. I'll write later." or "I'll update tomorrow" blog. Pointless waste of bandwith.

This book, o holiest of novels, suggests against those common mistakes. And many other things.

Until it teaches me how to write properly (and until I get the $$$ needed to buy it and therefore retain it's title), I shall... um, languish. Or dye my hair.

There is much joy to be found in this world
and i've been searching a good long time now
but fun seems to elude me

there's plenty of happy people
and many more who fake it
but none of them want to talk to a stranger

i notice things i've never glanced at before
and realize that all has beauty
but damned if i can see it

i'm wandering around in my Tracer
trying to find a way to whittle time away
even though there are a million things i should be doing

there's a guy walking home from Save-On at 3 a.m.
It's cold as hell and he's wearing flip-flops and long sleeves
and on any other day i'd laugh at his clothing
but right now i could care less

i wish i knew what he's thinking
why he's shopping at 3 a.m.
and why his eyes seemed to linger on me

i could ask myself the same question
better to deny, deny deny
than fess up and be a big girl

i wish i wasn't such a coward
and that i'd be a bit more aggressive

i wish i could find the beauty my mind is telling me is there
but all i can do is feel sorry for myself

i'm trying to find a way to deal with my shit
and i hope that you can understand why i'm out at 3 a.m.
And not in your warm arms

i'm trying to find the beauty i know is there
i'm hunting for the joy my heart's been teasing at

it's always been there
and always will be
i'll eventually come to find it
and finally be happy

Don't ever try to be objective. I just posted a post at a Bjork LiveJournal community expressing my anger that lesser artists like Britney Spears are heard, and Bjork isn't, and instead of agreement, I get a barrage of insults.

Fucking people.

My sister's drunk and napping. Ugh.

I owe $100 to Wells Fargo. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! I had $10 in my bank, so I ate thrice for $3. Now I find out I actually only had $2 in the bank, so I got charged thrice for $33. FUCKING CUNTS.

Ugh. I'm gonna go drown my anger and listen to Kylie and dance.

In other news... Yay pic! 'Tis me and Shayla, some random baby.

P.S.: AHH ATHENA AND NIZ! YOU SPAM WHORES!

I haven't posted in ages, geez. Sorry to all you who worry! Thanks for worrying. :)

I ususally plan it when I post an entry, but I'm bored and tired and hungry and... er, excited, so I'll post.

Yay Target! Working at Target is usually teh shiznit. I mean, there is one person I loathe and want to squash in the cardboard baler, but otherwise... most of the people are sweet.

The hours are funky, but the pay is good, and the workout is great. I get tomorrow off! Yay for off days.

I'm still debating whether I should move back to Cali in a month or two or not. Honestly, I ache to be back under the smog, but I might feel like a coward if I leave Washington so soon. I dunno, we'll see.

June 23rd will be the Pirates of the Caribbean primere at Disneyland. I'm going to fly down and will attend with Kate, Diana, James, Lucy, James, Jessie, Jeremy, Eryn and I think Allison. We're gonna meet Johnny and Keira and Orlando and stay in some hotels and go to Oasis (a gay bar) and get totally shit-faced.

YAAY!

Anyway... love ya guys! Thanks for reading this!

P.S.: God, this entry is short. I'll post something substanial, soon. Hopefully.

Some random albums I enjoy. Yaay!

Create your own Music List @ HotFreeLayouts!

If life were easy and perfect, I'd be going to my orientation at Target tomorrow.

Then again, if life were easy and perfect, I'd be bored out of my mind.

"WAAIT! Wait wait, Andy. What's this about Target?"

I had an interview at Target on Friday. Actually, I had two interviews and a drug test, which means I was more or less hired, if my drug test and background check turned out alright. I was called today.

Unfortunately, my background check came back negative. For those of you who know me well and remember me ranting and raving about it, my SSN number was stolen quite a few years ago. Well, I can finally put a name to the phantom: Humberto Gaeta.

If I ever find the guy, I'll strangle him where he stands, but let's not get into THAT...

I thought I had cleared this up ages ago, but I guess not. I'm going to the SSN office tomorrow to show them my card and my I.D. so I can get a letter stating that I am indeed Robert Zador and the number is mine. This I have to fax to the company that performs the background checks for Target, and then wait three to five days for the background check to go through.

I'm gonna change my SSN number after starting work at Target. I've had problems with my number for maybe ten years now, and I've been told countless times by the SSN offices that "Everything's clear, now." HAH, I say!

Sucks that I'm going to spend another week sitting on my hairy ass, but I'm still totally elated that I actually was hired. Actually, Target seemed very impressed with my resume! My sister aided me in snazzing it up. It makes me sound like I've been employed since I was twelve.

Which is more or less true, but still.

Anyway... I miss you all tons. I've met new people here and made a friend or two, but I've still been spending most of these two weeks alone. I'm going a little nuts; I need some human interaction!

Oh My God. I've actually been here for two weeks?!

I find it funny that I found a job within a week. In California I couldn't find one in three months.

In any case, as usual, pray to whatever deity or idea you hold faith in, my friends. Pray that I start work soon, and that I find Mr. Gaeta. Also pray that I have a strand of rope or a dagger or brass knuckles or really, really heavy rings on my person when I meet him.

Oh, and pray that I don't loose ALL shreds of my sanity. *nods sagely*

P.S.: Mondo thanks and even bigger apologies to all who have sent me messages and left me comments. Forgive me for not replying, I will soon.

(I posted this on MySpace on March 10. Sorry I didn't post here!)

Hullo, all! I'm sorry I haven't left any blogs or anything since I left California.

I'm at my sister's home in Blaine, Washington. It's about ten miles from the Canadian border, we're planning to visit Vancouver sometime this week.

I left home... God, I think Monday, around 2:30 P.M. I reached my friend Blythe in Aurora, Oregon around 9:00 AM on Tuesday. I left her home on Friday, at 9:00 A.M. and made it to my sister's home in Washington at about 3:30 P.M.

The drive was very, very eventful. I drove for the first time in snow - it was coming down in sheets, at night, with no heating or defrosters in my little car. I nodded off to sleep once or twice. I got free coffee dozens of times, I got lost many times, I fought for the roads at 3 AM with angry truckers - I even got stopped by a state highway patrolman! All I got was a warning, fortunately.

I had fun annoying Blythe and playing Sims 2 and meeting Jordan and trying to navigate Portland.

Currently I'm unpacking into my new room and doing laundry. I'll be living here for at least two months, maybe longer. I'm getting a job within the week and am planning to go to school up here. My sister lives with her husband, two cats (Mini and Tigger) and a golden retriever (Dakota).

This is going to be a wonderful maturing and disciplining process for me, something I sorely need. I'll miss you guys like crazy - expect some things in the mail in the next few weeks!

Special thanks to Diana, Blythe, James, Kate, Lucy, Nathan, Jessie and your families. Thanks for your love and support.

Anyway... I'll keep in touch! I love you guys.

Funny how a day after I finally accept the fact that I am totally gay, my mum ALSO finds out I'm gay.

I prepared myself for her reaction years ago, but I'm still totally saddened over it.. I'm still not 100ure if I'm being kicked out or not, though. I have two options: Move out by next Thursday if I still consider myself gay, or pretend to be straight for a few months until I CAN move out.

I'd rather die than lie to myself, but I cannot move out yet. I've no resources right now. I've been very foolish with my money - I often spend it as soon as I get it. I figured it would be a while until my parents found out. I'd tell them once I was sure I was ready to move out.

So... I'm not sure what to do. Thank-you to everyone who read and commented my last entry... again, please help me here. I'm lost and extremely sad.

This following lyric sums up my opinions on what I should do. Let me know what you think of it, please. :)

"My Secret"
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