Cibbwin's · Revenge

So I just looked up the name 'Cibbwin' on Google and this lovely little website showed up. Holy shit, I completely forgot I ever had a LiveJournal!

If anyone still watches me... let me know here, eh?

P.S.: Anyone wanna use or abuse me? I need $2000 in less than a month. :(

It's October and the weather's cleared up
I forget that mountains surround this town
But there they stand, silent and shrub-dusted
I find comfort in them, like a row of shields

I drive by the temple on my way home
I don't usually take this road
But got nothing better to do
No I got nothing better to do

Golden angel atop your perch
I can't imagine how you keep your shine

I remember hearing my friends
Boast of their conquests here
Crows fed on rooftop omelettes
From their generous tithe

I don't understand why
Of any of our group
The rebels of the outcasts
And outcasts of the rebels

Only I would have cause to decorate
With toilet paper and eggs
Yet the thought raises the goose pimples
All over me in guilt

Golden angel atop your perch
I can't wonder how you keep your shine
What with all these
Silly little secular fools

Did you witness the vandalism?
Did you understand what they did?
Maybe you're just a mould of mineral
Shaped by some zealot

Or maybe you're a guardian
You marked the souls
My friends who are my family
Narked them for retribution

Dear gold angel
Have mercy on us
We know not what we do

I wish I could climb atop the temple
And shine and clean you
Try to appease you

Golden angel atop your perch
I can imagine now how you keep clean

But I want nothing more than to
Throw you down
Melt you down
And create something new

Replace God's home
With a new acropolis
Another silent mountain
To house another form of God

She calls for it
Demands it
Begs for it
Begs me for it

But I can't

Goose pimples compel me otherwise
And I pray to clean away
The crowfeast

If you didn't have to eat, you wouldn't ever ache

I've never been comfortable around men
It's always been a blame game, but
I'm finally admitting it's my own fault

I'll put out to anything with a penis
It's time to stop seeing men as just another fling
I'm doing the same thing I accuse
Straight men of doing

Men are not by nature stupid
They are not insensitive
Some are even kind and loving

How hard this is to learn
When all my examples say otherwise
I've lost faith in half of the world

I'll put out to anything with a penis
It's time to stop seeing men as just another fling
I'm doing the same thing I accuse
Straight men of doing

The way I think
You'd think I'm always in the sack
With some new boy
Some freshly unwrapped toy

Well I don't get it much
So I don't know why when I think of men
That's all I think about

I'll put out to anything with a penis
It's time to stop seeing men as just another fling
I'm doing the same thing I accuse
Straight men of doing

And yes it's true
Men have suppressed women
Time and time again
But the way I act
Women should be the supressors

And that doesn't solve anything
Just brings about more injustice

I'll put out to anything with a penis
It's time to stop seeing men as just another fling
I'm doing the same thing I accuse
Straight men of doing

As of now (July 30, 1:30 AM), Kate Bush is Wikipedia's featured article!

Woohoo!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

So, I'm frustrated. As usual. BUT!

The main difference between this frustration and my general annoyance with the world around me is that this frustration has lingered with me for a long time; ever since I decided that I have an above-average talent for writing.

I'm at a standstill because I'm getting sleepy of writing about the same relationships. The same loved ones and the same people I see and think about every day. Honestly, there is only so much you can say about one group of people before you're repeating yourself. And I'm definitley repeating myself.

I'm trying to find sources of inspiration from outside myself. But hell, it's proving difficult.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to one of my idols, but Kate Bush wrote "Wuthering Heights" and "The Kick Inside" and "Hammer Horror" and "Oh England, My Lionheart" and others before she was 20! Where's my epic literary statement?!

I know that very, VERY few people write well about things they haven't personally experienced, and Bush is a genius and one of those rare people who were hatched fully formed, but damnit, I want my magnum opus!

I think I'm gonna avoid writing for a little while, if I can. Until I mature a bit more or find a new muse.

And I need to find some more active hobbies. As much as I love music and roleplay games, I need some movement. Maybe some dance or vocal lessons. Or even some sport.

I've been saying that I need to be more physical for ages now, but I'm getting to the point where I'll finally listen to my own advice.

And the best part? I know tomorrow I'll post some new rubbish and totally take back this statement.

Three cheers for fickleness!

where am i going with my life?
why can't i sleep at night?
i spend too much
i'm at a standstill
dissatisfied with pop culture and music
but you, your voice reminds me of what drew me to sound
to prose and language
to new boundaries and adventure and wanderlust
you remind me of peace and slumber and the joy of life
how thankful i am to have discovered you
you nourish my soul
calm my frazzled nerves
where others only scrape, you dive deep
take a scalpel and cut out the mould
teach me how to love and to sleep again
teach me how to feel joy
thank you for existing

my darling birch
when i meet you
shall i bow
or flee
or faint?

here it comes
grr

too lazy to lend a hand
too poor to generously give
too worried to succeed
too stupid to understand

lo-fi doesn't suit me
food is useless
only fuels the
rage

children wailing hysterically
shaking in my anger
call you up to say
i can't be anywhere near

fuck this all
i need to get away
break apart this body
explode it off me

i'm sick of all the emotion
give me something raw!
all the rage and anger
all there is to fear

rob children together
buy guns and booze

scream and rant with me
give my frustration a release
get me out of this house
and, pick up the phone!

why aren't you answering?!

phone call over, still in tatters
god damnit, why can't i breathe?
need an outlet
something to vent
get this energy out
into the world, Pandora
where you can flourish

really i love it
brings a clarity of mind i need
but damned if it doesn't consume
control and tangle

no time for jokes
just need a release
break out of a wrath

tonight's the night i did the unthinkable
tonight's the night i lost self-respect
the hypocrite reared his ugly face
and sold himself short

i should have never stopped for you.

you asked for money
but i gave you something harder-earned

your honey words washed over me
words that could've been honest
or lies
i'm not sure

you wormed your way past my wall
and made me confide things
i'd never dream of saying.

you kissed me
and lured me to a darkened place

tonight's the night my lust took over
tonight's the night i forgot my morals

i took you into my mouth
and i still can't realize what i've done
what have i risked?
what could i have caught from you?

i'll retreat to my home
and purge you
from mind
and stomach

tonight's the night the gods cry for my soul
tonight's the night i can't look my mother in the eye.

your scent still lingers on me
your lips still wet on mine
your taste in my throat

you made me realize how lonely i am
and how dishonest i've been with myself
but at what cost, this revelation?

dear rogue, i'll try my best
to forget this encounter

but as i delete your number from my phone
you will always haunt me
what you took from me
i'll never have back

for i gave it willingly
and i cannot ask for that gift again

I'm supposed to have an off-day tomorrow, but some cunt called out sick and I volunteered to come in.

Damn me and my need for money.

In other news, work actually kicks ass. Most everyone is real sweet, and I actually enjoy making people fattening, blood pressure seizuring drinks of d00m.

Mum is publishing a book. Needless to say I'm all kinds of jealous. It's about all her experience with home healthcare and caregivers in retirement homes - abuse is really rampant with that shit, and she's hoping to bring some awareness to that.
I'm so proud of her, but I always thought I'd be the first to publish a book. :)

I've recently seen "Marie Antionette" and "Saw III." Marie Antoinette is a fascinating study of what unthinkable riches can do to a person, and Saw III is only slightly interesting and only important to future serial killers. Although, it must be said that I was happy to see Bahar Soomekh again after her turn in "Crash."

I'm hoping to see the Borat movie on Sunday. If what I've read is to believed, Sascha Baron Cohen was a fucking amazing actor to stay in character even through the dangerous shit they tread through.

My new obsession is Kate Bush. She's fucking amazing.

Samantha Mumba actually had a new CD out on the 2nd! It looks like the CD is an apology for canceling her 2nd proper album back in 2002. This album, uniquely titled "The Collection," basically is "Gotta Tell You" with a few tracks from "Woman," the canceled album. Yay?

Amy Lee makes me gag. I recently read an interview with her in... uhh, some music mag, and she said "I have no idea what [Bjork's] Joga is about, but it sounds so cool!" Grr, that reminds me of this one Ashlee Simpson comment on "All is Full of Love." Something about it having a "cool vibe" and Bjork being "alien."

Ugh. I gotta stop reading.

But seriously. Life rocks. Mum & Dad got a housekeeper so I basically don't have to clean house like I used to, and work rocks, and I heart my car. I finally have internet access on my computer. Oh, and I got rid of about half my wardrobe of pre-homosexuality clothing. You know, clothes that dwarf me.
Only bad thing is billz. I dunno how I managed to run up a $160 celly bill, and I owe around $300 for my credit card.
And I hate Wells Fargo. Stupid cunts canceled my ATM card on me and today wouldn't let me cash a check, even though they let me yesterday, less than 12 hours before.

Ah well. I'm gonna go squeal to Mum again about how proud I am. *cheers*